Joe’s first week, life with a normal newborn

Hello! I realised that it’s been more than a month since I blogged, so I thought I’d write a little current affairs blog since Maternal mental health part two still requires too much brain for now. Warning: this post does talk about boobs!

Those who read the blog through the facebook/differentblog will already know this but for those who don’t: Joseph William Trebbe Keast was born on Wednesday evening (his official due date!) at 23.49 weighing 8lb13oz (exactly the same as Maya, to the gram, weird!). The birth was very straightforward and unmedicated. I didn’t enjoy it like I did Maya’s as I didn’t really like my midwife and stupid hospital policies meant I wasn’t able to get in the birth pool until the last 5-10mins, and therefore it was a bit harder to manage pain and stress levels. It wasn’t traumatic which is wonderful, and he seems to have come through it and my ridiculously stressful pregnancy apparently unscathed. The post-partum time the night he was born and ever since then has been lovely, by far the most relaxed of the three – the fact that he’s a very chilled out baby and I’m a much more chilled out mama than I used to be has helped with that. The girls are at great ages for becoming siblings (also different to last time!) and generally love him. They’re interested to a point but are otherwise getting on with life as normal! Peter has been being super-dad and making good use of the sling I made him out of a US army shirt for when Maya was born. I remember with Maya that despite having a more positive birth experience than this time I felt very stressed out already within about 48hrs of her birth – I think the shock of having a nearly 9lb very high needs newborn compared to a teeny sleepy preemie who was already in a routine by the time that she came home hit me hard, and I had no idea of what normal newborn behaviour was so I had some serious expectation/reality issues to face!

Which brings me to today’s little feature: normal newborn behaviour….

Part 1: Feeding

A couple of nights ago Joe fed for pretty much 5 hrs straight. It would have been nice if this had been at a reasonable hour like maybe 5pm-10pm,  but sadly he chose 10pm-3am. Then he and Amelie were up for the day at 6, oh joy! The vast majority of this was genuine active feeding, I like to think he’s a little shocked at how much milk is there now and just making sure he drinks as much as possible in case it goes away! We have chosen to co-sleep/bedshare with him and normally I could have just fed him in bed and slept through it but milk coming in and engorgement and the resulting challenges latching because of it meant that this wasn’t possible, he kept getting distressed and crying, and really Peter needed to sleep so that at least one of us was getting some rest so I went and sat in the comfy chair in his room and fed in there until he was finally properly milk-drunk. I was so tired, every part of me hurt and I so desperately wanted to sleep, and I have to admit my mind went to some pretty dark places wondering what on earth I had done different that day that meant that we were having such a crappy night. And then it hit me: this is normal. It’s so so hard to get your head around the fact that a child can possibly need to suck that much in one night and there not be a problem, like you’re not making enough milk/he’s uncomfortable/ill/there’s something random horribly wrong; but the first week or two of breastfeeding is just sometimes that intensive, even when it’s going really well (which it is here thank God). In our culture we are told to expect to be able to feed a child and have them go at least a couple of hours (if breastfed) or quite a few (if bottlefed) until they need it again. Against this kind of advice it’s really hard to cope with the actual level of need of some breastfed babies, especially the ones who are pretty chunky at birth, and I have to say even though I have a good attitude towards how much he needs to feed (I was pretty ok with it last time too – I had such severe low supply with Amelie that I knew that the more Maya fed in the first few weeks the more milk I would produce) it has still been tough to deal with how crazy it seems that my child wants to feed or at least suck pretty much 50% of the hours of the day, 24/7. I’ve been tempted a few times to use a dummy (pacifier) to satisfy at least a little of his sucking needs, and I may do if this continues weeks and weeks down the line, but the first 14 days of breastfeeding are incredibly critical for regulating supply and frankly I don’t want to mess with it AT ALL. I have had such polar experiences with breastfeeding – Amelie was born at 35 weeks and was in NICU and tube fed for the first few weeks of her life. I was quite critically unwell and not able to do anything breastfeeding related for the first 12hrs after she was born. After this I exclusively pumped round the clock for weeks, but was unable to establish a decent supply for a long time and had to supplement with formula which I found devastating as I had so wanted to exclusively feed her. I had a three month battle with low supply before being prescribed domperidone and finally being able to go back to producing as much as she needed, but those months were hellish blur of breastfeeding, pumping and bottle feeding. With Maya, she was born at 39+2 and I was extremely anxious about having low supply again. I took some precautions like doing a little antenatal expressing (probably a good idea). In the first two weeks I also did a little expressing with a hand pump to boost my supply on top of the mammoth amounts of feeding that Maya was doing. BIG MISTAKE! I pushed myself into dramatic oversupply, probably could have fed three babies, and it caused Maya a lot of discomfort as she took in far too much milk and a lot of air with it at every feed. The discomfort caused by that combined with a naturally high needs personality made her and I utterly miserable. So third time round, what am I doing? Nothing extra whatsoever. Just feeding at every single cue he gives (feeding “on cue” e.g. every time he shows a sign of hunger/need to suck rather than “on demand”, waiting until he cries for food). Also  I’m allowing him unrestricted access to the boob at night, which now I understand is really helpful in establishing breastfeeding and a sensible supply and is something I didn’t do last time as Maya was sleeping in a crib next to me so I got up to feed her when she wanted it, overall meaning she fed a bit less at night. So we shall see how this goes… is it a little overwhelming? Yes, but he’s my third and now I understand that even though it’s tiring and painful, once those first 14 days are over I know it will get less intense. And in fact because I’m able to look relatively rationally at all of this I’m actually enjoying feeding him in these first few days despite the challenges. I think that’s pretty amazing.

Part 2: Sleeping

My boy reeeeeealllly likes body heat and human contact, even more so than either of my other babies. Maybe a part of this is that it’s winter and it’s freaking freezing in our house, especially at night, but this kid mostly wants to be snuggled up to someone day and night. Last time I was totally convinced that full time co-sleeping/bedsharing wasn’t for me, so Maya mostly slept in her crib and sometimes came in our bed when I was just too tired to get up again to feed her. I also thought that it was very important that she took some naps not on my chest, and unfortunately I actually couldn’t get her to sleep for more than 15mins at a time during the day anywhere, on me or otherwise, so I found the whole thing extremely stressful, and put a lot of energy into trying to manage her sleep which was both exhausting and anxiety provoking. This time I am luckier in that he sleeps very well on my chest/in a sling/in the car seat/in the bouncy chair if it’s vibrating, and to be honest I couldn’t care less about whether he’s learning to nap in his cot. I’d love it if he does at some point in the future but he’s so new I’m not surprised he’s finding the adjustment of being put in a big cold cot on his own after being tucked up in my belly for 9 months a little disconcerting! We have a co-sleeper cot this time but so far he won’t settle in it, so he’s just sleeping right next to me, and amazingly we’re all getting really good rest that way. I think when you are doing it deliberately instead of accidentally because you’re just too tired not to (and therefore you feel a bit guilty for doing so), you tend to get much better rest. I definitely think it’s the most helpful sleep arrangement for the establishment of breastfeeding (although don’t mishear me, I don’t think it’s 100% necessary as I said I didn’t do it last time and notwithstanding oversupply breastfeeding got established just fine). It’s a tough one because most health professionals are against bedsharing (it’s fractionally less safe than a baby sleeping in a cot in the same room as you), and even this week I’ve had a (lovely and well meaning) community midwife warn me against doing it and then handing me information like that in these links:

http://safebedsharing.org/safetyguidelines.html

http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/familybed/

…which don’t say don’t do it, rather that there need to be precautions taken (and we’ve had to take some extra ones like reducing one of my medications which was sedating me a bit and having Peter get up with me for the feed that I have to properly wake up for around 4am as my joints are too seized up and I can’t lift and position him at this time). Anyway this isn’t meant to be an exploration of the safety (or otherwise) of bedsharing or trying to convince anyone else to do it, but rather sharing with you that it’s working really well for us, and actually is lovely bonding time too which I never expected – with my other two it was always something I said I could never do full time, because I just found the idea too overwhelming. Now I find the idea of getting up to feed my baby every time they want it rather overwhelming!

Part 3: bonding

This has been so so interesting this time. I had huge challenges bonding with both of my girls, and eventually we got there but it took a LONG time. It was so devastating not to feel that rush of love that you hear about and it made me question keenly what on earth was wrong with me that I didn’t. To be fair our circumstances didn’t help. I didn’t get to meet Amelie until the day after she was born, by which time she was ventilated and I barely got to hold her in her first week of life. I spent as much time as possible in the NICU with her but I was so physically ill from having HELLP syndrome (a potentially complication of pre-eclampsia which causes liver failure and clotting problems) that I had to rest a lot, and so we were separated in such a painful way for most of the first two weeks. I also suffered PTSD from how badly managed my birth was which meant that I was emotionally a complete mess, and some poor care for her in intensive care compounded those problems. With Maya, she was born beautifully straightforwardly nearly at term in our living room. It was a wonderful straightfoward empowering birth, with a fabulous midwife, but Maya was born screaming like she was being murdered, and basically never stopped. From the beginning it was as if she couldn’t organise sensory input and it made the first few months of her life abysmally difficult. There are few things that make you feel more powerless than having a miserable child for whom you seem to be able to do nothing to help. Add in feeding issues from oversupply, complete inability to get her to nap resulting in huge more screaming, a challenging two year old and a husband working shifts it was an avalanche of challenges. During Peter’s working evenings Maya would scream from pretty much the moment I put Amelie to bed and therefore I couldn’t even find the time to get myself anything to eat –  you get the picture as to why I may have ended up quite tweaky and anxious and struggling to bond the second time around! I was also still stuck in the paradigm that babies need to be carefully managed in order to make sure that they sleep as well as possible and don’t develop “bad habits” etc. Try taking that approach with a high needs baby and it’s a recipe for poor mental health!

This time I have several things working on my side – firstly my boy was also born at term at a good size, and very straightforwardly, unaffected by drugs in labour (although obviously exposed to the stuff I am having to take regularly). We had a great undisturbed first few hours after birth with lots of skin to skin contact and feeding was established early. He’s my first child to act like a “normal” newborn – not sleep all the time or cry all the time like the other two. I’ve had two kids before, I know what I’m doing practically and how my body will react to the changes following birth and how far I can push myself (or not!). I have a good attitude towards how intense and difficult these first few weeks are in terms of feeding, and I have absolutely no agenda for my baby as to how much he sleeps or where. It’s all in all a recipe for a much more chilled out mummy and much more chilled out baby! It’s interesting to me that I still didn’t feel a massive hormonal rush of love like so many people report when their babies are born (but to be honest my hormones are well out of whack and I’m not surprised), but what I have been able to do is quietly and unpressuredly fall in love with my son over the last week, and it’s wonderful beyond words. There are many things about our life that are far from ideal and very stressful at the moment, not least of which is my physical health which is dire (mostly not birth related, I’m healing pretty well from that), but I’m choosing to try to focus on what is good, and he is good, and to be able to enjoy some of the time with my newborn is extremely novel and extremely wonderful.

Why am I writing this? I’m not really sure, maybe just to explore it myself, and maybe as a reassurance to others who are overwhelmed by these first few weeks that it really will be ok in the end, and to enjoy any moment you can in the midst of the challenges, without worrying about future consequences of the way you’re managing your child, there really is no perfect way to do it.

Babies grow up very fast, and I’ve worried away too much of my childrens’ lives so far, I’m hoping to continue my journey out of that way of parenting. Here are a few pictures of the meatball:

~ by jennkeast on February 24, 2013.